"The entrance of thy words giveth light (Psalm 119:130)."
Anger Management
"Those who forsake the law praise the wicked, But such as keep the law contend with them." {Proverbs 28:4 NKJV}
We all have to deal with anger. This world is a battleground, not a playground. The Bible provides the understanding and keys to success that we all need.
In order to benefit from this article, it is necessary to first get saved.
It is recommended that you also read the following before continuing:
Here's what you need to know.
First: You do need to forgive others. What follows is a quick review of the issue.
The Bible requires us to forgive others and tells us, in no uncertain terms, what will happen if we don’t. Consider the following passage.
“Then Peter came to Him (Jesus) and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven (An unlimited amount of times). Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents (A huge debt—equivalent to millions of dollars). But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (A much smaller debt: One denarius represented a typical laborer’s daily wage); and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers (demons) until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses (Matthew 18:21-35 NKJV).”
I have been amazed, when I've taught Bible studies, how a surprising number of Christians fail to comprehend this simple parable! So I'll mention the obvious: You must forgive everyone from your heart. If you don’t, you can expect to be tortured by demons.
Anxiety and depression are the most common forms of torture. Other mental health issues can also result from unforgiveness.
Many physical ailments are also the result of, or are made worse by, unforgiveness.
Forgiveness means you're giving up the desire to get even and simply leaving the issue in God's hands. You've decided to 'let it go.'
God will punish evildoers; this is discussed later in the article.
Forgiveness involves a decision that we make regardless of our feelings; this is an attitude that we adopt, and maintain, to preserve our mental health.
Former President Richard Nixon put it this way: “Those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.”
Forgiveness does not necessarily require that you socialize with the person who has wronged you. It does not mean that you discount the wrong that was done. And it does not mean that you cannot file a police report so that others are not harmed.
Forgiveness, does, however also require the following:
- Don't negatively judge the worth of other people. {Luke 6:37}
- Do not talk negatively about others. {James 4:11-12, 5:9}
- Don't try to get even. {Romans 12:17-19}
- Don't take pleasure in another person’s calamity, real or imagined—no matter how well-deserved. {Proverbs 17:5}
These are all sins. They are inconsistent with forgiveness. And, any of these sins will cause God to punish your emotions—unless you confess and forsake your sin.
Forgiveness is the starting point when it comes to dealing with anger. Everyone is wronged and everyone has to forgive. And, again, the forgiveness needs to be from your heart.
While forgiveness requires a decision to forgive, the power to forgive is another matter.
Some suggestions follow. They are used when thoughts of offenders come up.
First:
- "I choose to forgive him (her)."
- "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NASB}}
Second:
- Affirmation: "I have the mind of Christ." {1Corinthians 2:16}
- Forgive with the 'mind of Christ.'
Third:
- Affirmation: "I am strong in the Lord." {Ephesians 6:10}
- This affirmation is also effective. It makes it easier to forgive and not dwell on offenses.
Fourth:
- Trust & obey.
- Fully trust God
- Forgive from your heart.
Fifth: Prayer. Pray, briefly, once every day, for anyone you're struggling to forgive. Pray for what God would want for the person.
Commentary:
- Trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit, to enable you to forgive, is much more effective than trying to forgive in your own strength. Sometimes, it is impossible to forgive any other way.
- Affirming that you have the 'mind of Christ' or are 'strong in the Lord' will also strengthen your ability to forgive and break free.
- Fear, including the fear that you can't forgive, gives power to the devil—a lot of power.
- "Trust in Him at all times . . ." {Psalm 62:8 NASB}
- Praying for your enemies makes it easier to forgive.
- Don't dwell on past wrongs. This will adversely affect your emotions, sooner or later, even if the thoughts are accompanied by forgiveness. More on this later in the article.
Second: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." {1 John 1:9 NIV}
Whenever you find yourself entertaining revenge or negative judgemental thoughts about another person, it is important that you confess your sin to God right away.
To confess means to agree with God that what you have done is wrong. Unforgiveness is wrong because God says it is.
This is simple to do: "Lord, I ask forgiveness of my sin."
Confessions need to be sincere.
By confessing your sin to God, right away, you can usually avoid the emotional distress that would otherwise come your way as a result of your sin.
It is foolish to unnecessarily prolong your suffering by neglecting to confess and forsake sin.
Third: Adopt a positive attitude toward yourself. And, don't take things personally; that is, don't internalize the negativity of others.
Consider the following Scriptures.
"Love your neighbor as yourself." {Mark 12:31 NIV}
". . . He made us accepted in the Beloved." {Ephesians 1:6 NKJV}
"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you . . ." {Isaiah 43:4 NIV}
"Also do not take to heart everything people say,
Lest you hear your servant cursing you.
For many times, also, your own heart has known
That even you have cursed others." {Ecclesiastes 7.21-22 NKJV}
Choosing to love yourself makes you stronger; you are not as easily impacted by the comments others make.
Choosing to love yourself makes it easier to forgive both yourself and other people.
It is difficult or impossible to forgive if you internalize the negativity of others; that is, if you accept their negative assessment of your character or worth.
This can be a particular problem for those who received global negative parental messages growing up. Examples: 1) "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" 2) "Boy are you stupid!"
It is essential that you counter the negative assessments of your actions and character by others so that you can forgive.
This is what it means to not take things personally.
But how?
Keep reading.
Remembering God's opinion of you can help you to overcome the negativity of others. If you choose to believe what the Bible says about you is true.
Your own opinion of yourself, and your own perspective, is of the utmost practical importance. These can enable you to triumph over the negativity of others. You can choose to love and accept yourself or you can allow the wickedness of others to prevail. This is a choice.
Furthermore, it is necessary to disbelieve, from your heart, the negative global assessments of your character by others, even if they have some basis in your past life.
Some examples:
- A former prostitute cannot think of herself as 'a whore.' She is not.
- A former sex offender cannot think of himself as 'a pervert.'
- A former inmate cannot continue to think of himself as 'a criminal.'
- A man with a history of failure cannot think of himself as 'a loser.'
- Someone who has been sexually abused cannot think of themselves as 'damaged goods' or as being 'worthless.'
- A person who makes a mistake cannot think of himself as being 'stupid.'
- Otherwise, when someone's criticism touches on a sensitive area, it will be very difficult or impossible for you to forgive the person.
It is necessary for you to forgive yourself as well as other people.
It is necessary to counter negative thoughts, especially self-critical thoughts. You have to correct these thoughts.
It is also important to comfort yourself. Fear gives power to the devil.
One final thought: Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, what others say can be interpreted several ways. Assuming the best makes it much easier to forgive.
Affirmations are recommended.
God's perspective:
- God loves me.{Isaiah 43:4}
- God accepts me. {Ephesians 1:6}
Personal perspective:
- I love me. {Mark 12:31}
- I accept myself. {Mark 12:31}
- I forgive myself. {Mark 12:31}
- I don't care what he (she) thinks. {Ecclesiastes 7.21-22}
Correct negative and self-critical thoughts:
- I am not (fill in blank).
- Or, say the opposite.
Comforting yourself:
- I don't expect myself to be perfect.
- It's no big deal. {Philippians 4:6}
- It's OK.
- "It's OK if he's (she's) angry at me.
Practice using affirmations and always correct negative thoughts.
This will strengthen your ability to forgive both yourself and other people. It will result in a lot more peace.
Doug Britton MFT wrote: "There's no need to take it personally even if it was meant to be taken personally."
Fourth: Sometimes, contacting an offender is advisable to facilitate the forgiveness process.
For past issues, always start by bringing the issue to God in prayer. And wait until it becomes clear what to do. Wise Christian counsel is also a good idea.
If you can manage to forgive the person by your own efforts, and with God's help, there may be no reason to ever discuss the issue with the offender.
Sometimes, contacting the offender is simply not a viable option.
God will always provide a way for you to forgive and break free (1 Corinthians 10:13).
Sometimes, however, it is appropriate to talk to the individual directly. This is often true if you haven't been able to resolve the issue, satisfactorily, any other way.
Also, consider writing the person a letter. This is another viable option. Feelings follow actions, which is why this will usually work. This letter should be brief. To be effective, the letter should be in conformity with these three rules:
- It should, ideally, encompass everything that may have offended you.
- It must not imply that the other person is guilty of wrongdoing.
- The letter must end, as though you are no longer angry, are now on acceptable terms and that the matter is now closed.
Two examples follow:
Example One (Multiple offenses):
Robert:
I am writing this letter in an attempt to have more peace.
Some time back, we had several negative interactions that continue to be a problem for me.
I will apologize for any angry feelings.
Alternative statement: "I will apologize for my part in the problems we had."
Jim
Example Two (Single offense):
Robert:
I'm writing this letter this letter in order to have more peace about the situation.
In regard to (blank), it was not my intention to get you upset. So I will apologize since that was the case.
Jim
A simple letter, as in the examples above, can provide a great deal of relief. And sometimes this is the appropriate way to deal with the situation.
For another example, refer to my article Getting Rid of Anger (Part 2).
No more information is needed. Not even your address or last name. Even if the person doesn't know who you are, this can still work. However, the letter must be addressed directly to the individual involved—and not to an intermediary.
There is no need to include a return address on the letter. If you do receive a letter in response, have a counselor or friend read it first; if it is a nasty letter, have this person destroy the letter and not reveal the contents of the letter to you. Otherwise, you will be re-injured.
This letter will usually get rid of at least 80% of the anger. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and you may have to forgive repeatedly, each time the issue comes up, to dissolve the remaining foothold and eliminate the remaining pain.
One word of caution: If the net effect of contacting an offender results in you feeling humiliated, this will not make things better.
If the person who upset you is someone you come in contact with regularly, you probably should have a conversation in person. Discussing any emotionally-charged issue in person—rather than over the telephone—prevents unnecessary misunderstanding. It is still not necessary to itemize every offense, you can just say that a number of things that the other person said and did in the past created some stress. And that the purpose of the conversation is to enable you to have more peace. The person does not need to know how badly you were affected. Nor does he have to agree with you that he has done something wrong. Just make sure you end the conversation, to the best of your ability, on good terms. If, for example, you get a negative response, end the conversation with something like this: "I'll apologize for my part in the problems we've had; have a good day."
Whenever you are angry with another person and decide to discuss the issue with him/her, remember the two sentence rule. To discharge the anger, you must say at least two distinct sentences, each with no qualifiers.
- Correct example: "It ticked me off when you told the boss I didn't do my share of the work. I didn't like that at all."
- Incorrect example: "It ticked me off when you told the boss I didn't do my share of the work. I didn't like that, but anyway, what are you going to do about that file?"
Expressing your feelings—especially right after an incident occurs—makes it much easier to forgive and move on.
Talking to another person about past wrongs is not appropriate in every situation. This can make things worse.
In family and other intimate relationships, it is appropriate and helpful to share more information and express more feelings.
One word of caution regarding talking to parents about their failings while you were growing up: You can create a huge amount of unnecessary pain—and mutual discomfort—by telling them all the things they did wrong and how angry you now are. Don't do this.
The only reason you would talk to a parent about past wrongs is to enable you break free of an anger foothold that you can't break free of any other way. If you do decide to talk to a parent, you can just say that a number of things they said and did in the past upset you and that you needed to express that in order for you to have more peace and improve your relationship with him (her). You don't need to say a lot more than that.
If there is a particular incident of concern, and you decide to discuss it, remember the basics already discussed:
- Expressed that the incident bothered you.
- Don't be condemning.
- Forgive and seek to restore the relationship.
Talking to parents about past wrongs is usually a really bad idea. Get wise Christian counsel before proceeding.
Therapists do not always provide wise counsel.
Also, remember, God promises to bless YOUR life if YOU honor your parents:
"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." {Ephesians 6:2-3 NIV}
This is true regardless of how they behaved.
I should note that you still should not engage in sin—even if they tell you to do so.
I wrote an entire article entitled How to Forgive. I encourage you to read it. Another link is provided at the end of the article.
Fifth: “Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled. . . (Hebrews 12:14-15 NKJV).”
To the best of your ability, make an effort to be on good terms with everyone. A lot of problems can be avoided this way.
One woman found herself being persecuted at work for no apparent reason. She was able to resolve the problem by asking her co-worker “What are your terms for peace?”
Take care of issues with others right away, if possible. It is much easier to deal with a situation right after it occurred rather than days later.
If someone has something against you, try to resolve the issue—even if you did nothing wrong. You can always say something like "It was not my intention to touch a nerve. Sorry for any hard feelings that were created."
Sixth: Forgiveness and pursuing peace are not enough. Consider the following Scriptures:
"The fear of man brings a snare, But whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe." {Proverbs 29:25 NKJV}
"Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You." {Psalm 56:3 NKJV}
"Trust in Him at all times . . ." {Psalm 62:8 NASB}
"Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong (1 Corinthians 16:13 NASB)."
"Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]" {John 14:27 AMPC}
Assertiveness is necessary for successful anger management.
Overcoming the fear of other people is really simple, though this is not easy. Two steps are required. These are used whenever challenges come up:
- Trust God.
- Act like you trust God.
Practice doing this.
This will become easier over time.
Cowering before someone is a sin. This sin makes it much more difficult to forgive.
Cowering, as a lifestyle, is dangerous. While it may feel like it's the safe thing to do, it is not. This can result in severe anxiety and depression that can sometimes lead to suicide.
These trials are there for a purpose—you need to demonstrate courage, when this is called for.
And you need to walk wisely.
You don't have to overpower the person; you just need to say what you need to say and do what you need to do—and not give in to fear.
If you speak truth to the offender, the Holy Spirit can help.
When you can't make peace with someone, a continued conflict is preferable to continuing persecution—if you have a choice.
Sometimes you will need to say 'no.'
Sometimes you will need to fight. If you can't make peace with someone, do what is necessary to protect yourself.
Sometimes, you will need to complain to those in authority.
The only way to get stronger is to practice being assertive etc.
God put these trials in your life for a purpose. He wants you to demonstrate courage—not cowardice. Don't fail the test.
If you do fail the test of courage, be sure that God will make sure that you repeat the test—over and over again—until you succeed.
Note: There are times when you do need to say nothing, forgive and simply let things go. This should be because it is the wise thing to do—not because you are afraid.
Seventh: Using daily affirmations will help you succeed at being more assertive.
Examples:
- I will stand up for myself.
- I will call people on their stuff.
- I will act like a man. {1 Corinthians 16:13}
- I am strong in the Lord. {Ephesians 6:10}
Eighth: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD (Leviticus 19:17-18 NKJV).”
Translation: You will need to confront others, from time to time—even in church. I remember one woman who adeptly responded to a ministry co-worker by saying "You don't talk to me like that!" And, when the co-worker didn't immediately correct herself, she repeated her reproach saying something like "I don't care. You don't talk to me like that."
Sometimes, it is necessary to rebuke the offender forcefully. This especially applies to dealing with habitually hot-tempered family members. You do this when the offense occurs.
Note: The purpose of any assertiveness or rebuke is to prevent a spiritual foothold from becoming established. Rebuking someone for a past wrong does not work. Refer to the article on How to Forgive in regard to dealing with past issues.
Ninth: Some cautions and instruction.
"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you (Proverbs 9:6-8 NIV).”
Rebuking a mocker will make you an enemy. Be cautious not to make a problem worse.
If you do make an enemy, for any reason, try to reconcile with the person. You can always say something like "I will apologize for my part in the problem."
"Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." {1 Peter 3:9 NIV}
There are times when God wants us to respond to insults with blessing.
Some examples follow:
Once, when I was walking, a half-crazy stranger in my neighborhood said something insulting to me. I simply said "may God bless you" and kept walking. That solved the problem.
Joyce Meyer told the story of how she became furious—and unable to sleep—after hearing from someone about derogatory things that were said about her by a vendor who was providing services to her ministry.
She decided—in the middle of the night—on a plan to break free: She decided to send the person a gift certificate—to a nice restaurant—along with a thank you note thanking the vendor for the excellent service the vendor was providing to her ministry!
Once she made this decision, she was able to break free. And she was able to go back to sleep.
This is not something I have ever done—and it is not always a good idea. But it is an option to be considered.
A good question to ask yourself is how God might like you to respond. And what would be a smart thing to do.
Tenth, expose evil when this is called for. You can do this whether the issue involves only you or other people.
Nobody wants their evil deeds to be exposed.
The following is excerpted from the book Overcomer by Dr. David Jeremiah.
"Whether we've planned for them or not, times of trial will come. And when they do, we must decide how to respond.
For the Christian, no response is not an option. Clearly, we cannot ignore, accept, or be passive in the face of evil. In Ephesians 6 Paul made it clear we're to take action against evil by standing—an active verb. We're to equip ourselves with the armor of God to stand against evil so we can overcome it.
It's also clear that we're not to seek vengeance. But what, then, are we supposed to do?
One of the best, and shortest, philosophies for living I know of is this: 'Do the next right thing.'
I opened the chapter with the story of a woman of remarkable courage who spoke up against abuse. When others with more power and influence ignored and covered up evil, she stepped forward and called it out. How did she find the strength to do that?
She found it through her deep faith. Rachel Downheartedness compared the 'good things in the sight of all men' that Paul referred to (Romans 12:17)—what she called the 'straight line' in her statement—to the 'crooked line' of evil. What was being done was contrary to what she knew to be right and good, so she did the next right thing. She took a stand.
Evil can be difficult to expose. In fact, the enemy often makes it that way. We may not be able to fully explain what's occurring, or define exactly what we need. But while our spiritual armor gives us resilience and strength to stand against the obvious enemies, it also gives us what we need to stand against the confusing and subtle enemies—such as the person we trusted who betrays us, or the deliberate inaction of others in the face of evil.
As an Overcomer, we must put our trust in Christ. When in doubt, ask Him for help. Ask Him, through the Holy Spirit, to show you how to do 'the next right (good) thing.' Trust God that doing one right thing—one good thing after another—will overcome any wrong thing, any evil thing, in your path."2
Eleventh: Recognize that an apology can go a long way.
Two examples follow:
One pastor told of experiencing recurrent emotional distress—earlier in his life—as a result of becoming enraged after being cheated in a business deal. The issue persisted until it was later resolved after the individual apologized.
One woman suffered a lasting foothold because of me: I had walked by her, without saying 'hi' at the beginning of a Bible study. Even though I later walked up and said 'hi' to her. No offense was intended; I was a new Christian and had walked into the Bible study in the middle of an anxiety attack. The issue was resolved when I encountered this person years later, and still angry, at another Bible study. It was resolved because I took the initiative to resolve the issue.
Twelfth: If you're experiencing any kind of abuse, it's a good idea to consider why the person is being abusive. Once you have this information, you're in a better position to know what to do.
Again, make peace with the person, if this is possible.
Seek out wise counsel, if needed.
Thirteenth: If you have a bad temper, force yourself to go back and apologize each time you are emotionally abusive to another person—especially children. Do this each time; you will be surprised how fast your bad temper disappears! Practice being assertive—not aggressive—when you are angry at others. Deal with a bad temper immediately—do not wait to become less angry first.
Fourteenth, just walk away. Or hang up the phone. If someone is yelling at you, this is probably the most appropriate response. Deal with the issue later. Make it clear that this will be your response to yelling from now on.
Fifteenth, beware long-term anger issues. Anger is cumulative.
Resolve the problem or get out of the situation—as soon as possible—if this is possible.
If this is not possible, do what is necessary to protect yourself.
Again:
- Trust God.
- Act like you trust God.
Seek out wise counsel as necessary.
Long-term anger issues are much more difficult to break free of; it's much harder to forgive.
Long-term anger conditions your subconscious mind to be prone to anger. This makes you much more vulnerable in terms of spiritual warfare.
To paraphrase an old adage, "an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure."
Sixteenth: “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." {Matthew 22:37-40 NKJV}
When others wrong us, we are also naturally angry at the God who allowed this to happen and we may be angry at ourselves as well. So, there may be three sources of anger:
- God.
- Ourselves.
- Others.
Any one of these can result in a spiritual foothold which gives demons the power to torment our emotions.
More instructive Scriptures follow:
"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." {1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NASB}
Choosing to give thanks for adversities, as well as blessings will help to keep your heart right with God. You can do this because God uses adversity to make us wiser and stronger (Romans 8:28). We learn both from our obedience as well as our mistakes.
Jesus said: "If you love Me you will keep my commandments." {John 14:15 NASB}
"If anyone does not love the Lord, let that person be cursed!" {1 Corinthians 16:22 NIV}
Anxiety, in this context, can be an example of a curse.
"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses ." {Proverbs 10:12 ESV}
"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." {Leviticus 19:18 NIV}
"Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . ." {1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NASB}
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." {Matthew 5:44 NIV}
"Jesus never said the work of forgiving would be easy. When he commanded, "Love your enemies," the Greek word for "love" does not mean "affection" but "moral understanding." Simply put, forgiving someone isn't a matter of stirring up human affection, but making a moral decision to remove hatred from our hearts."1
Praying for your enemies makes it easier to forgive them. Think of this as a moral obligation to keep your heart right with God.
Pray, briefly, once every day, for those you're struggling to forgive. Pray for what God would want for the person.
Seventeenth, surrender the entire problem to God. Consider the following Scriptures.
"Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you;
He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (Psalm 55:22 NASB)."
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden . . . (Psalm 68:19 NASB)."
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-8 NKJV).”
"For from days of old they have not heard or perceived by ear,
Nor has the eye seen a God besides You,
Who acts in behalf of the one who waits for Him.
You meet him who rejoices in doing righteousness,
Who remembers You in Your ways (Isaiah 64:4-5 NASB)."
Each day a burden exists:
- Surrender the issue to God.
- Trust & obey.
- Be willing to do whatever God says to do or not do.
- Wait until it becomes clear what to do.
- Don't dwell on the issue.
When you pray, first forgive so that your prayers are not hindered (Mark 11:25).
Bring the issue to God and listen. God's voice always comes in the context of relative peace—and is never condemning.
If you don't hear anything, there is nothing to be done—at least not at this time.
Recognize that you have a responsibility, while you're waiting, to walk wisely and not give in to fear.
"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But whoever walks wisely will be delivered." {Proverbs 28:26 NKJV}
"For we live by faith, not by sight." {2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV}
An important thing to remember that will help you to not dwell on negatives is that you've put the issue in God's hands—and you will do whatever God says to do or not do—whenever He makes this clear.
God may tell you to do something different at the last moment.
So, since you're waiting for God's decision, it's pointless to keep trying to figure things out for yourself.
More information is included in the series entitled How to Cast a Burden. Another link is provided at the end of the article.
Note: Turning problems over to God also works well in marriages when couples disagree.
Eighteenth: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity (Ephesians 4:26-27 NASB)."
You have 24 hours to forgive and get over an offense. After that, you've given the devil an opportunity or foothold. Once the devil gets a foothold, it's more difficult to forgive and break free.
I remember the first time I successfully did this with, what I thought at the time, was a major issue. I was shocked how easy it was to forgive.
Forgive as quickly as you can and use the material provided.
A simple rule to remember: Forgive before you go to sleep.
Nineteenth: Don't give in to demonic compulsions to dwell on negatives, or engage in habitual negative thinking.
Remember:
- ". . . whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right . . . think about these things." {Philippians 4:8 NASB}
- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NKJV}
Always consider where a thought is coming from. If the thought is coming from a demon, it is necessary to think about something else.
For more information, in this regard, refer to the series entitled Stopping Spiritual Attacks. Another link is provided at the end of the article.
For habitual negative thinking, several suggestions follow.
First: use daily affirmations. Examples follow:
- Don't think about people you don't like.
- No (thinking about) problems in bed.
- No (thinking about) crime.
- No (thinking about) {fill in blank} without permission.
Second: Spend 10-15 minutes, every day, thinking about the good things in your life, what you can be thankful for.
Twentieth: In particular, don't dwell on past offenses:
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." {Isaiah 43:18 NIV}
Dwelling on past wrongs will adversely affect your emotions sooner or later—even if you've forgiven the person. Even if you don't experience any immediate negative consequences.
Twenty-first: Self-condemnation: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31 NKJV)."
One jail inmate, during a counseling session, told me, matter-of-factly, "I'm a screw up." As though this was a self-evident, eternal truth. Even though he had accepted Jesus as his Savior.
The truth is that he was simply believing and declaring the devil's lie. And, as long as he does this, he will continue to be defeated, relapse and go back to jail.
If you grew up with a critical authority figure, it comes naturally to internalize this same attitude toward yourself; that is, to be self-critical. And Satan will, of course, seek to take advantage of the situation.
View self-condemnation as any other spiritual attack. Resist the devil—don't help him.
Twenty-second: "The prudent sees the evil and hides himself, But the naive go on, and are punished for it." {Proverbs 22:3 NASB}
Don't purposely avoid people at church. Even if they avoid you, even if they have been less than courteous in the past, even if you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression.
Purposely avoiding someone at church is an affront. This sin will end up causing problems for you as well as your fellow believer.
Twenty-third: Recite Scripture when you are tempted to get even. Memorize and use the following three partial Scriptures:
"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God . . ." {Romans 12:19 NASB}
"'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." {Romans 12:19 NASB}
" . . . Do not murder . . ." {Mark 10:19 NKJV}
Practice being satisfied with the knowledge that God will punish those who do evil. If you develop this mind-set, it will make it easier for you to live in this world. And to forgive.
"For after all it is only just for God to repay with affliction those who afflict you . . . (2 Thessalonians 1:6 NASB)."
"Those who are kind benefit themselves. But mean people bring ruin on themselves." {Proverbs 11:17 NIRV}
Twenty-fourth: Use fasting. This is an excellent option when you're not making progress or need guidance.
Read the article entitled Prayer and Fasting.
Another link is provided at the end of the article.
Twenty-fifth: Church offenses.
"Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." {Ephesians 4:2 NIV}
“You have heard that the ancients were told, ‘You shall not commit murder’ and ‘Whoever commits murder shall be liable to the court.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be guilty before the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be guilty before the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell." {Matthew 5:21-22 NASB}
"Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering." {Matthew 5:23-24 NASB}
God will punish you if you harbor anger or are rude in church.
We all have a responsibility to do our best to maintain unity and peace in the body of Christ.
These Scriptures are specifically directed at dealing with church offenses. However, they do have general applicability. When someone has something against you, try to become reconciled, when this is possible. And get this done as soon as possible. These things tend to get worse—and create bigger problems—if left unresolved.
It is harder to forgive people with whom you have a close personal relationship, especially at church (Psalm 55:12-14). Be assertive and avoid these problems, whenever possible.
Twenty-sixth: Avoid unnecessary problems, in general:
"Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying,
So a curse without cause does not come to rest." {Proverbs 26:2 NASB}
Insults, without any factual basis, don't occur often and are much easier to break free of.
"Let my heart be blameless regarding Your statutes, That I may not be ashamed." {Psalm 119:80 NKJV}
"But if you do not do so, behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure that your sin will find you out." {Numbers 32:23 NASB}
Sin does result in consequences; other people will find out what you did.
Insults and criticism, based on actual sin, result in unforgiveness footholds that are much more difficult to break free of.
Recognize, also, that choosing to sin against the Lord can make you emotionally weak and unable to stand up to your enemies (Joshua 7:11-12, Psalm 40:12).
Twenty-seventh: Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, what others say can be interpreted several ways. Assuming the best makes it much easier to forgive.
Twenty-eighth: Consider two Scriptures.
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." {Ephesians 6:12 ESV}
"The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, "Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!" {Luke 10:17 ESV}
When you sense that the reason someone is causing problems for you is spiritual, try giving commands to the demon influencing the person.
Sometimes, when someone is causing problems for you, the cause of the problem is solely demonic.
Command Satan to cease all such activities, with in Jesus' name.
Example: "I take authority over all demons operating through (name). I command you to cease your maneuvers against me in the name of Jesus."
Command demons with authority.
And then take note of any change in the person's behavior.
Twenty-ninth: Consider another two Scriptures:
"But I say to you, do not show opposition against an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other toward him also." {Matthew 5:39 NASB}
“Plans are established by counsel; By wise counsel wage war." {Proverbs 20:18 NKJV}
Consider how the person responds when you try to forgive them and make peace; that is, when you 'turn the other cheek.' If they slap you again, you have an enemy.
Pray and seek out wise counsel as to how to respond. Usually, you do need to protect yourself going forward—unless God makes it clear you that you should respond in some other way.
"If you treat a wolf like a sheep, you're going to get slaughtered."3
And yes, there are wolves in church.
Thirtieth: Resolve to develop a backbone. People will sometimes say negative things about you. Resolve to not allow yourself to be unduly impacted. This is something you can learn to do.
Thirty-first: Two suggestions for family issues.
First, avoiding all contact with a family member, who wants a relationship with you, is aggressive and inconsistent with forgiveness. Some regular contact, even a few times a year, will facilitate better relations and make it easier to maintain a forgiving attitude toward the person.
Second: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." {1 Peter 4:8 NIV}
In regard to loving difficult family members, as opposed to outside enemies, something more than 'moral understanding' is called for. This will also help with your emotions.
Thirty-second: "Pursue peace with all men . . . (Hebrews 12:14 NKJV)." This is always the first resort. Try to find a way to resolve the situation peacefully.
Thirty-third: Second resort: Consider utilizing appropriate authority. This may mean contacting your boss, your boss' boss, the police etc. If you are unable to resolve a problem, consider making a complaint to those in authority.
You will have situations in life where you need to do these things.
One depressed public servant, who came to a Bible study, was suffering emotional abuse, continually, from her boss. She did contact her boss' boss—with no results. They were good friends. But she could have contacted an attorney and have had him write a letter to the department head. At least in the United States, a 'hostile work environment' is a serious legal issue.
Thirty-fourth: Third resort: Some people you can't make peace with or effect a change in their behavior. Is their a way to get them out of your life? Or to minimize your contact with them?
Finally, as a last resort: “Plans are established by counsel; By wise counsel wage war." {Proverbs 20:18 NKJV}
You may need to do whatever is reasonably necessary to protect yourself. And this is true whether the person is trying to destroy you physically or emotionally.
As Christians, we are never allowed to seek vengeance. But we are allowed to do whatever is reasonably necessary to protect ourselves and our families.
Note: The following articles are also recommended:
- How to Forgive.
- Getting Rid of Anger.
- Stopping Spiritual Attacks.
- When Satan Gets a Foothold.
- How to Cast Out Demons.
- Declarations to Strengthen You.
- Avoiding Calamity.
- Problem Analysis & Resolution.
- How to Cast a Burden.
- Prayer and Fasting.
- A Positive Thinking Exercise.
1 http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2009/09/forbearing-one-another.html
2 Overcomer by Dr. David Jeremiah. Pages 101-102.
3 Kris Reece.
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