"The entrance of thy words giveth light (Psalm 119:130)."
How to Forgive
Unforgiveness will damage or destroy your Christian life. It can result in severe emotional pain; it can even lead to suicide.
This article will tell you what you need to know to break free of past issues and avoid problems in the future.
For you to benefit from this article, it is necessary to first get saved.
I'll start by reviewing a basic Scripture.
“Then Peter came to Him (Jesus) and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven (An unlimited amount of times). Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents (A huge debt—equivalent to millions of dollars). But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii (A much smaller debt: One denarius represented a typical laborer’s daily wage); and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers (demons) until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses (Matthew 18:21-35 NKJV).”
God will allow demons to torture us unless we forgive others from our heart. No exceptions.
If our anger last more than 24 hours, the devil gets a spiritual foothold which is more difficult to get rid of and results in more pain (Ephesians 4:26-27).
Anxiety and depression are both forms of torture. These are the most common result of unforgiveness. Other mental health and physical health problems can also result from, or be made worse by, unforgiveness.
Forgiveness means you're giving up the desire to get even and simply leaving the issue in God's hands.
It's a decision that we make, regardless of how we feel. Your feelings will follow, in time, as a result of your consistent efforts to forgive.
God will punish evildoers; this is discussed later in the article.
We all get hurt, from time to time, as a result of the unintentional—or intentional—actions of others. However, forgiveness will enable you to break free of the pain. Even if you've done something wrong. Even if the person is unwilling to apologize.
The Apostle Paul stated that forgiveness is necessary ". . . so that no advantage would be taken of us by Satan, for we are not ignorant of his schemes." {2 Corinthians 2:11 NASB}
Here's some tips to help you win. Because, despite how bad you may feel, you can break free of the pain.
First, admit that you are angry and do your best to forgive the person, from your heart.
When you're angry at someone, don't ignore the problem. The problem will not go away by itself. You need to forgive to break free.
Forgiveness is a choice, and the decision to forgive must be made each time the issue comes up in your thinking.
"Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart." {Corrie ten Boom}
Affirmation: "I choose to forgive him (her)."
Second: You must maintain this attitude of forgiveness. Whenever thoughts of offenders come up:
- "I choose to forgive him (her)."
- Forgive from your heart.
Clothe your thinking with forgiveness.
Even mild thoughts expressing a desire for revenge, or for the offender to suffer misfortune, in any way, can give a lot of power to the devil.
Third, recognize that you can forgive:
"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." {Corinthians 10:13 NKJV}
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NASB}
Success may require repeated efforts over a period of time and sometimes other steps may be necessary. No matter what happened, you can forgive by using Scripture, by accessing the power of the Holy Spirit and by following God's direction.
More on how to forgive, when you're struggling, is explained later in the article.
Fourth, forgive others as God has forgiven you (Colossians 3:12-13, Ephesians 4:32). This involves two elements.
Forgiveness should be:
- Complete.
- Unconditional.
Forgive others as God forgives you, every day, when you sin. God doesn't hold grudges, he simply forgives.
Fifth: Beware false beliefs. False beliefs can make it impossible to forgive. If you believe that forgiveness means that you have to discount the wrong that was done to you, you may find it impossible to forgive due to this false belief. If you believe that forgiveness requires that you again become friends with the person who has wronged you—and you don’t want to—you may likewise find it impossible to forgive. If you believe that every minor transgression must always be talked about—another false belief—then you will be unable to forgive until you do! Always beware of false beliefs.
One reason people come to believe the satanic lie that they cannot forgive, without always first talking to the person, is because they participated in psychotherapy with a therapist who had a psychoanalytic orientation. In such therapy, the error implicitly taught is that you must talk about everything in order to get better. Therefore, it follows that, in order to forgive, you must always talk to the person first.
You must recognize that this is a teaching of the devil. You must choose to no longer believe this.
Often, forgiveness can be accomplished without talking to the offender. And sometimes talking to an offender is simply not a viable option.
Never continue with a therapist who encourages you to share every thought that comes in to your mind.
Sixth: The Holy Spirit will help you to forgive. The amount of help you actually receive depends on four factors: 1) Faith. 2) Obedience. 3) God's will. 4) Knowledge of and application of Scripture.
First, faith. It is much easier to forgive by trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit than trying to forgive in your own strength.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NASB}
Second, obedience. Any willful, habitual sin will reduce the amount of help you receive—no matter how much faith you have. If you're reading the Bible every day, you should know what these things are.
It is a mistake to believe that you only have to be obedient in regard to anger and fear issues.
One often overlooked sin to try to avoid is masturbation.
Remember what the apostle Paul wrote:
"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in distresses, in persecutions, in difficulties, in behalf of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." {2 Corinthians 12:9-11 NASB}
Paul was able to forgive, beyond his natural abilities, because the Holy Spirit helped him. He got the help he needed because his life was pleasing to God.
The same thing is true with us. Another Scripture follows.
"He also brought me out into an open place; He rescued me, because He delighted in me." {Psalms 18:19 NASB}
Make a good faith effort to be obedient in all areas of your life—that's what you need to do.
Third: God's will. The Holy Spirit, the third member of the trinity, is a person and will respond to each believer as He chooses. And remember, none of us are sinless.
Fourth: Knowledge of and application of Scripture. This is discussed in subsequent topics.
Seventh: Adopt a positive attitude toward yourself. And, don't take things personally; that is, don't internalize the negativity of others.
Consider the following Scriptures.
"Love your neighbor as yourself." {Mark 12:31 NIV}
". . . He made us accepted in the Beloved." {Ephesians 1:6 NKJV}
"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you . . ." {Isaiah 43:4 NIV}
"Also do not take to heart everything people say,
Lest you hear your servant cursing you.
For many times, also, your own heart has known
That even you have cursed others." {Ecclesiastes 7.21-22 NKJV}
Choosing to love yourself makes you stronger; you are not as easily impacted by the comments others make.
Choosing to love yourself makes it easier to forgive both yourself and other people.
It is difficult or impossible to forgive if you internalize the negativity of others; that is, if you accept their negative assessment of your character or worth.
This can be a particular problem for those who received global negative parental messages growing up. Examples: 1) "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" 2) "Boy are you stupid!"
It is essential that you counter the negative assessments of your actions and character by others so that you can forgive.
This is what it means to not take things personally.
But how?
Keep reading.
Remembering God's opinion of you can help you to overcome the negativity of others. If you choose to believe what the Bible says about you is true.
Your own opinion of yourself, and your own perspective, is of the utmost practical importance. These can enable you to triumph over the negativity of others. You can choose to love and accept yourself or you can allow the wickedness of others to prevail. This is a choice.
Furthermore, it is necessary to disbelieve, from your heart, the negative global assessments of your character by others, even if they have some basis in your past life.
Some examples:
- A former prostitute cannot think of herself as 'a whore.' She is not.
- A former sex offender cannot think of himself as 'a pervert.'
- A former inmate cannot continue to think of himself as 'a criminal.'
- A man with a history of failure cannot think of himself as 'a loser.'
- Someone who has been sexually abused cannot think of themselves as 'damaged goods' or as being 'worthless.'
- A person who makes a mistake cannot think of himself as being 'stupid.'
- Otherwise, when someone's criticism touches on a sensitive area, it will be very difficult or impossible for you to forgive the person.
It is necessary for you to forgive yourself as well as other people.
It is necessary to counter negative thoughts, especially self-critical thoughts. You have to correct these thoughts.
It is also important to comfort yourself. Fear gives power to the devil.
Affirmations are recommended.
God's perspective:
- God loves me.{Isaiah 43:4}
- God accepts me. {Ephesians 1:6}
Personal perspective:
- I love me. {Mark 12:31}
- I accept myself. {Mark 12:31}
- I forgive myself. {Mark 12:31}
- I don't care what he (she) thinks. {Ecclesiastes 7.21-22}
Correct negative and self-critical thoughts:
- I am not (fill in blank).
- Or, say the opposite.
Comforting yourself:
- I don't expect myself to be perfect.
- It's no big deal. {Philippians 4:6}
- It's OK.
- "It's OK if he's (she's) angry at me.
Practice using affirmations and always correct negative thoughts.
This will strengthen your ability to forgive and break free.
Doug Britton MFT wrote: "There's no need to take it personally even if it was meant to be taken personally."
Eighth: Satan's power to torment your emotions involves five factors:
- Unforgiveness.
- Fear, including the fear that you can't forgive.
- Dwelling on offenses and offenders.
- Negative thinking, in general.
- Unconfessed sin.
It is much easier to forgive by trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit.
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NASB}
Affirmation: I can forgive him (her) by trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit.
In regard to fear, remember:
" . . . fear involves torment." {1 John 4:18 NKJV}
"Trust in Him at all times . . ." {Psalm 62:8 NASB}
Dwelling on offenses: You feel compelled to keep thinking about past offenses. Even if you accompany such thoughts with forgiveness, this will still adversely affect your emotions, sooner or later.
Negative thinking in general: This also gives power to the devil.
Unconfessed sin: This is discussed later in the article.
Remember:
- "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." {Isaiah 43:18 NIV}
- ". . . whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right . . . think about these things." {Philippians 4:8 NASB}
- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NKJV}
Success requires that you forgive offenders, not give in to fear and avoid dwelling on these things.
Always consider where a thought is coming from. If the thought is coming from a demon, it is necessary to think about something else.
Here are four suggestions that will help. They are used when thoughts of offenders come up.
First: Trust in the power of the Holy Spirit to enable you to forgive:
- I choose to forgive him (her).
- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NKJV}
Second: Use personal affirmations, based on Scripture
- I have the mind of Christ. {1Corinthians 2:16}
- I am strong in the Lord. {Ephesians 6:10}
Three:
- Pray, briefly, once each day, for anyone you're struggling to forgive.
- Pray for what God would want for the person.
Four:
- Trust & obey.
- Fully trust God
- Forgive from your heart.
It's easier to forgive by trusting in the power of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, you simply can't forgive in your own strength.
Affirming that you have the 'mind of Christ' or are 'strong in the Lord' also makes it easier to forgive and not dwell on offenses. Believe what you are affirming. It's true—but you have to believe it.
Praying for your enemies makes it easier to forgive. Think of this as a moral obligation to keep your heart right with God.
Fear, including the fear that you can't forgive, gives power to the devil—a lot of power.
"Trust in Him at all times . . ." {Psalm 62:8 NASB}
Trust God when forgiveness feels impossible. Trust and obey—and survive.
"Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever." {Psalm 125:1 NIV}
"Great peace have those who love Your law, And nothing causes them to stumble." {Psalm 119:165 NKJV}
Ninth: Use prayer.
Relevant Scriptures follow:
- “Have faith in God. Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you (Mark 11:22-24 NASB)."
- "This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him (1 John 5:14-15 NASB)."
- “But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord (James 1:6-7 NIV).”
- "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened (Matthew 7:7-8 NASB)."
- An examination of the original Greek text indicates that this Scripture is telling us to "keep on asking," "keep on seeking" and "keep on knocking."
- "The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me." {Psalm 16:6 NKJV}
Prayer can be used in three ways:
- To help reduce your anger, in general.
- To break free of a spiritual attack.
- To demolish specific unforgiveness footholds.
Template:
- Pray, in faith, without doubting, to break free.
- Recite Scripture, claim biblical promise(s).
- Believe your prayer has been answered.
- "It is accomplished." {Affirmation.}
- Thank God.
- Do not follow this by asking yourself "Did this work?"
Pray for God to diminish your anger, in general.
It is necessary to pray—without doubting—in order to successfully use prayer to break free of a spiritual attack.
Sometimes a single prayer, combined with faith, results in your permanent deliverance in regard to a specific unforgiveness foothold. Often, repetitive prayers are needed.
Persist in prayer: Pray, every day, as long as a specific unforgiveness foothold continues to torment you.
Some things to remember in terms of getting your prayers answered:
- It is important to have other Christians praying for you. Stay in community.
- If your prayers are not being answered, ask God why.
- Trials are an opportunity to learn how to use Scripture better. Try something different if you're stuck.
- Trust & obey.
- Be sure you are using all the material presented in this article.
Also, remember, God will help you to forgive, but He will not do the work for you. You will always have to make an effort to forgive others from your heart.
And you will have to maintain that attitude of forgiveness.
Tenth: Related sins to avoid:
- Don't negatively judge the worth of other people. {Luke 6:37}
- Do not talk negatively about others. {James 4:11-12, 5:9}
- Do not gossip. {Proverbs 16:28, Proverbs 11:13, 2 Corinthians 12:20}
- Don't try to get even. {Romans 12:17-19}
- Don't take pleasure in another person’s calamity, real or imagined—no matter how well-deserved. {Proverbs 17:5}
These sins will bring God's judgement, one way or another. They can impede your ability to forgive someone; they can result in emotional distress directly, or, at least, constitute an impediment to your prayers being answered.
Eleventh: "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ . . . (2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NASB)."
Forgive from your heart.
You can't stop Satan from putting negative thoughts into your mind. But you can avoid entertaining these thoughts.
Entertaining, even mild thoughts, of an offender suffering in some way or experiencing some misfortune can give a lot of power to the devil. Clothe your thinking with forgiveness.
Again:
- "I choose to forgive him (her)."
- Forgive from your heart.
Keep your thinking under control. And when you slip up, immediately confess your sin to God.
Twelfth: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." {1 John 1:9 NIV}
Whenever you find yourself entertaining revenge or negative judgemental thoughts about another person, it is important that you confess your sin to God right away.
To confess means to agree with God that what you have done is wrong.
This is simple to do: "Lord, I ask forgiveness of my sin."
Confessions need to be sincere.
By confessing your sin to God, right away, you can usually avoid the emotional distress that would otherwise come your way as a result of your sin.
It is foolish to unnecessarily prolong your suffering by neglecting to confess and forsake sin.
Complaining is also a sin.
"Do all things without complaining" {Hebrews 2:14 NKJV}
It's OK to tell God how frustrated you are. David did so, repeatedly, in the Psalms. Do not, however, complain to God.
Confess and forsake the sin of complaining—just like any other sin.
Nothing you try will work unless you also confess and forsake sin.
It is foolish to unnecessarily prolong your suffering by neglecting to authentically confess your sins. And it is foolish to delay confessing your sins.
It is important to remember that God is our Heavenly Father and we are His sons. There really is a father-son (or father-daughter) relationship. God becomes very angry and punishes us when, having been forgiven for our sins, we complain or fail to forgive others. As in dealing with any angry father, the best course of action to avoid further pain is to offer up a genuine apology and then do our best to correct our behavior.
Thirteenth: “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." {Matthew 22:37-40 NKJV}
When others wrong us, we are also naturally angry at the God who allowed this to happen and we may be angry at ourselves as well. So, there may be three sources of anger:
- God.
- Ourselves.
- Others.
Any one of these can result in a spiritual foothold which gives demons the power to torment our emotions.
More instructive Scriptures follow:
"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." {1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NASB}
Choosing to give thanks for adversities, as well as blessings will help to keep your heart right with God. You can do this because God uses adversity to make us wiser and stronger (Romans 8:28). We learn both from our obedience as well as our mistakes.
Jesus said: "If you love Me you will keep my commandments." {John 14:15 NASB}
"If anyone does not love the Lord, let that person be cursed!" {1 Corinthians 16:22 NIV}
Anxiety, in this context, can be an example of a curse.
"Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses ." {Proverbs 10:12 ESV}
"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." {Leviticus 19:18 NIV}
"Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; it keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails . . ." {1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NASB}
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." {Matthew 5:44 NIV}
"Jesus never said the work of forgiving would be easy. When he commanded, "Love your enemies," the Greek word for "love" does not mean "affection" but "moral understanding." Simply put, forgiving someone isn't a matter of stirring up human affection, but making a moral decision to remove hatred from our hearts."1
Praying for your enemies makes it easier to forgive them. Think of this as a moral obligation to keep your heart right with God.
Pray, briefly, once every day, for anyone you're struggling to forgive. Pray for what God would want for the person.
If you are willing to pray for your enemies—and use the other material provided—you will, in time, also manage to forgive them.
Fourteenth: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity." {Ephesians 4:26-27 NASB}
You have 24 hours to forgive and get over an offense. After that, you've given the devil an opportunity or foothold. Once the devil gets a foothold, it's more difficult to forgive and break free.
I remember the first time I successfully did this with, what I thought at the time, was a major issue. I was shocked how easy it was to forgive.
Forgive as quickly as you can and use the material provided.
A simple rule to remember: Forgive before you go to sleep.
Fifteenth: Recognize that people's ability to forgive, in their own strength, varies a great deal. I remember one young woman who came to a Bible study: She was unsaved, depressed and entertaining thoughts of suicide. I remember her expressing the concern that she would again need to be hospitalized. A church pastor, who was present, went through a salvation prayer—and then asked her to forgive each of the people she was angry at. The results were dramatic and positive: Several days later, I saw her at church. She was upbeat and well-dressed. It was like talking to a completely different person!
Sixteenth: Using the "empty chair technique" may be helpful in enabling you to forgive someone. This is not true with everyone.
It's a good idea to pray before starting.
Here's how the technique works.
You have a conversation, as though the person were present, visualizing the person sitting in the "empty chair." You express your feelings. You express, at length, what the person did and how this behavior made you feel. Say whatever you need to say; allow your emotions to surface. You don't need to censor your remarks; however, your remarks should not be condemning.
Once the painful emotions have subsided, then it's time to conclude. You end by telling the person that you choose to forgive him/her. Finally, ask God to confirm the forgiveness in your heart and pray for the person.
Using this technique may make it easier to view the person as forgiven and put the issue behind you. It's definitely something to try. This doesn't work with everyone.
If the problem can be solved directly through prayer, or in some other way, there may no reason to ever discuss the issue with the offender.
Seventeenth: For some situations, the best way to respond is to simply say "Hi" as if nothing had happened. This assumes that this is one of those issues which should not be discussed with the offender. Purposely avoiding making eye contact with someone is generally inconsistent with forgiveness and can restore the foothold.
There is one possible exception in Scripture: Matthew 18:17. This refers to a fellow believer who sins against you and is unwilling to reconcile.
If the person you are angry at is also angry with you, the best way to forgive is usually to talk to the individual directly and become reconciled. For an example, refer to my article Getting Rid of Anger (Part 3).
Eighteenth: There are situations where the best approach is to contact the offender. This can expedite the process of forgiveness or make it possible to break free when other things aren't working.
First, some words of caution:
- You want to contact someone if God says to.
- You should not contact someone if God says 'no.'
- You should wait until God's will becomes clear, when things are unclear.
- If God is willing to enable you to forgive, directly, there may be no reason to ever talk with the offender.
- Wise counsel from other Christians is highly recommended.
If you're contacting someone to break free of unforgiveness, the contact, to be effective, should include four elements:
- You must express that you were adversely affected.
- The expression of offense should, ideally, include all offenses.
- The expression of offense must not be condemning.
- You must part, to the best of your ability, on good terms.
I have had a number of situations, in my life, where I felt it was necessary to talk directly to the offender in order to break free of unforgiveness. This is not true with everyone.
In retrospect, with what I know now, many of these situations could have been resolved without talking to the offender.
Talking to someone directly is not appropriate in every circumstance—and it doesn't always produce positive results. However, this approach usually does work and, when it does, often makes it possible to make progress faster than any other approach.
Sometimes, writing a letter is an appropriate alternative. Writing a letter also can make it easier to forgive. This is true for both lesser and more serious offenses. Two examples follow.
Example One (Single offense):
Robert:
I'm writing this letter this letter in order to have more peace about the situation.
In regard to (blank), it was not my intention to get you upset. So I will apologize since that was the case.
Jim
Example Two (Multiple offenses):
Robert:
I am writing this letter in an attempt to have more peace.
Some time back, we had several negative interactions that continue to be a problem for me.
I will apologize for any angry feelings.
Alternative statement: "I will apologize for my part in the problems we had."
Jim
Nothing more needs to be said. And no more information is needed. Not even your address or last name. Even if the person doesn't know who you are, this can still work. However, the letter must be addressed directly to the individual involved—and not to an intermediary.
A simple letter, as in the examples above, can provide a great deal of relief. And sometimes this is the appropriate way to deal with the situation.
For another example, refer to my article Getting Rid of Anger (Part 2).
Notes: 1) A letter's objective is to make it easier to forgive—it does not eliminate the need to forgive. Feelings follow actions which is why this works. 2) As with any issue, it's a good idea to seek out wise counsel before sending a letter. 3) If the letter may result in your getting a nasty letter back, arrange for someone else to read any response and, if it's inappropriate, not to share the contents of the letter with you. 4) If contacting an offender results in you feeling humiliated, it will not make things better. 5) You don't need to reveal how badly you were affected, only that you were adversely affected. 6) If you've already discussed the issue with the offender—and are still struggling—contacting him/her a second time is unlikely to provide a benefit. 7) If someone is unwilling to reconcile with you, God will provide a way for you to break free without their cooperation. 8) You can, of course, message someone instead of sending a letter. If you're expecting a nasty response, you may want to block the person after you send the message.
Nineteenth: Definition of progress.
The amount of success you are having can be determined by the following factors:
- Your ability to 'remember without pain.'
- If the amount of distress you are experiencing is decreasing, you are making progress.
- If it's becoming easier to avoid thinking about the person, you are making progress.
- See the next section for qualifiers.
Twentieth: Satan will do whatever he can to prevent you from breaking free. Some common demonic tricks to beware of:
- Unforgiveness: Satan may seek to deceive you as to whom you need to forgive.
- Fear: Satan may seek to cause you to fear that you can't forgive.
- Fear: Satan may seek to cause you to think you haven't forgiven someone who you have forgiven.
- Dwelling on offenses. Avoid this.
- Negative thinking in general: don't spend too much time thinking about problems and trying to figure things out. This is counter-productive.
Whenever you come under a spiritual attack, pray and resist the devil.
Satan will never give up. Don't expect him to.
Twenty-first: Reciting Scripture can be used to counter disturbing thoughts based on fear and/or negative thinking.
"For the word of God is living and active . . . (Hebrews 4:12 NASB)."
Recite Scripture, preferably out loud. And do what the Scripture says.
Examples:
"Be anxious for nothing . . ." {Philippians 4:6 NASB}
"Trust in Him at all times . . ." {Psalm 62:8 NASB}
"Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." {John 14:27 NIV}
". . . whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right . . . think about these things." {Philippians 4:8 NASB}
It is suggested that you review the series entitled Stopping Spiritual Attacks. Another link is provided at the end of this article.
Twenty-second: Address demons directly, out loud, when you come under spiritual attacks.
Two things to do:
- Declare truth to demons.
- Cast out demons.
Declaring truth:
- "Satan, you have no power over me!
- To demons: "I'm not afraid of you."
This is all that may be needed.
Casting out demons:
Command Satan, with authority, to leave in Jesus' name.
"Satan, I command you to leave in Jesus' name!"
Sometimes a forceful rebuke of the devil is needed:
Forcefully rebuke the devil, out loud, in the name of Jesus. Command him to leave. Five to ten sentences long.
"And these signs will follow those who believe: In My name they will cast out demons . . ." {Mark 16:17 NKJV}
"Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your name." {Luke 10:17 NKJV}
Once you've dealt with sin issues, Satan usually has to depart if you do this.
Recognize that fear, including fear of demons, will sabotage your efforts.
Do not try any of this unless you are saved; that is potentially dangerous (Acts 19:13-17).
More information on this topic is included in my article entitled How to Cast Out Demons. Another link is available at the end of the article.
Twenty-third: "Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray." {James 5:13 NASB}
Prayer is recommended as a first step when you come under spiritual attacks:
- The prayer, itself, will help.
- It becomes clearer whatever else may be needed.
- Even a brief prayer will help.
- Sometimes, however, it is necessary to persist in prayer to break free of a spiritual attack.
Twenty-fourth: Recite Scripture when you are tempted to get even. Memorize and use the following three partial Scriptures:
"Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God . . ." {Romans 12:19 NASB}
"'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." {Romans 12:19 NASB}
" . . . Do not murder . . ." {Mark 10:19 NKJV}
Practice being satisfied with the knowledge that God will punish those who do evil. If you develop this mind-set, it will make it easier for you to live in this world. And to forgive.
"For after all it is only just for God to repay with affliction those who afflict you . . ." {2 Thessalonians 1:6 NASB}
"Those who are kind benefit themselves. But mean people bring ruin on themselves." {Proverbs 11:17 NIRV}
Twenty-fifth: Recognize that, once you've forgiven someone, any future offense may be more difficult to overcome—depending on the gravity of the offense. Do what you can to avoid problems with the person in the future. Recognize, also, that the person may choose to be offensive again. Beware.
Twenty-sixth, get wise Christian counsel. Others may see the issue more clearly than you since they are not emotionally impacted. And God can work through wise counsel.
Sometimes, however, God will lead you to do something different than what other people advise.
Twenty-seventh: Use fasting. As with any issue, fasting can make your prayers more effective so that you get the help and guidance you need.
Read the article entitled Prayer and Fasting. Another link is provided at the end of the article.
Twenty-eighth: Dr. Charles Stanley recommends the following perspective, recognizing that while God doesn't cause evil things to happen, He does allow evil things to take place:
- View everything as from God.
- Everything works for my good.
- God is in control of everything.
Write this down. Remember this.
Applying this to your life will make it easier to avoid becoming bitter.
A link with relevant Scriptures follows:
{Matthew 10:29, Psalms 103:19 & Romans 8:28}
Twenty-ninth: Counter negative self-talk.
Examples:
- This is terrible!
- Why did this have to happen to me?
- He (she) has destroyed me!
- I can't handle this!
In response, you can simply say the opposite.
You can also recite Scripture or use affirmations based on Scripture.
Examples:
- "Trust in Him at all times . . ." {Psalm 62:8 NASB}
- No weapon that is formed against me will succeed. {Isaiah 54:17}
- All things work together for my good. {Romans 8:28}
- I am an overcomer. {1 John 5:4}
- I am strong in the Lord. {Ephesians 6:10}
More examples are included in the article entitled Declarations to Strengthen You. Another link is provided at the end of the article.
Thirtieth: "Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." {1 Peter 3:9 NIV}
Joyce Meyer told the story of how she became furious—and unable to sleep—after hearing from someone about derogatory things that were said about her by a vendor who was providing services to her ministry.
She decided—in the middle of the night—on a plan to break free: She decided to send the person a gift certificate—to a nice restaurant—along with a thank you note thanking the vendor for the excellent service the vendor was providing to her ministry!
Once she made this decision, she was able to break free. And she was able to go back to sleep.
This is an option to be considered.
Thirty-first: Some keys to dealing with anger issues:
- You have to stand up for yourself as a lifestyle; forgiveness, alone, is not enough.
- At times, you will need to confront or rebuke others.
- At times, it is necessary to contact those in authority.
- Sometimes, it is necessary to get out of the situation.
- It is always necessary to walk wisely.
- You do have to protect yourself.
- Sometimes, you will need to fight.
"Peace I leave with you; My [own] peace I now give and bequeath to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]" {John 14:27 AMPC}
Cowering before someone makes it much more difficult to forgive.
Courage is a character attribute that God requires of all of us. But don't expect yourself to be perfect. And learn from your mistakes.
Overcoming the fear of other people is really simple, though this is not easy. Two steps are required. These are used whenever challenges come up:
- Trust God.
- Act like you trust God.
Daily affirmations will also help:
- I will stand up for myself.
- I will call people on their stuff.
- I will act like a man. {1 Corinthians 16:13}
If you do fail the test of courage, God will make sure that you get another opportunity to succeed—over and over again. These trials are there for a reason.
There will always be some risk; this cannot be avoided.
Thirty-second: Avoid unnecessary problems:
"Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying,
So a curse without cause does not come to rest." {Proverbs 26:2 NASB}
Insults, without any factual basis, don't occur often and are much easier to break free of.
"Let my heart be blameless regarding Your statutes, That I may not be ashamed." {Psalm 119:80 NKJV}
"But if you do not do so, behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure that your sin will find you out." {Numbers 32:23 NASB}
Sin does result in consequences; other people will find out what you did.
Insults and criticism, based on actual sin, result in unforgiveness footholds that are much more difficult to break free of.
Recognize, also, that choosing to sin against the Lord will make you emotionally weak and unable to stand up to your enemies (Joshua 7:11-12, Psalm 40:12).
Thirty-second: Give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, what others say can be interpreted several ways. Assuming the best makes it much easier to forgive.
Thirty-third: Resolve to develop a backbone. People will sometimes say negative things about you. Resolve to not allow yourself to be unduly impacted. This is something you can learn to do.
Thirty-fourth: As a general rule, avoid the temptation to turn to psychotropic medication. This is a spiritual issue, not a medical one. Medications are bad for your health. They usually don't work well. And you won't be able to learn self-control while you are on them.
Thirty-Fifth: Synopsis:
- God does love you. He does not want you to suffer unnecessarily (Ephesians 1:4-6).
- Trials are a necessary part of the Christian life.
- God requires us to forgive others from our heart.
- God will provide a way to enable you to forgive and break free.
- The solution will not be the same for every situation.
- It is always necessary to walk wisely (Proverbs 28:26).
- Sometimes you do need to get out of the situation or minimize contact with an abusive individual.
Finally: Be persistent: A spiritual foothold may take time to demolish. Especially while you're inexperienced in using Scripture. Endure the pain. Keep trying. Never give up. God will give you the victory—in time.
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, But the Lord delivers him out of them all." {Psalm 34:19 NKJV}
Note: It is suggested that you also read the following:
- Getting Rid of Anger.
- Anger Management.
- Declarations to Strengthen You.
- Stopping Spiritual Attacks.
- How to Cast a Burden.
- When Satan Gets a Foothold.
- Prayer & Fasting.
- How to Cast Out Demons.
1 http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2009/09/forbearing-one-another.html
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