"The entrance of thy words giveth light (Psalm 119:130)."
Overcoming Shame
Shame can be defined as defining yourself by your sins/shortcomings/failures. It is a global negative definition of who you are.
This is different than guilt which is defined as feeling bad as a result of what you have done.
Before continuing, I should note that I have written separate articles on related topics:
Links to these are also provided at the end of the article.
Shame is a very common mental health concern.
One jail inmate told me, matter-of-factly, during a counseling session, "I'm a screw-up." I tried to convince him that this was not true saying "I am not better than you." That didn't work.
What I should have said is that he is simply believing and affirming a demonic lie. And that he will continue to fail until he stops doing this.
Shame is something that you can and must overcome.
The Bible provides clear guidance on the issue.
In order to benefit from this article, it is necessary to first get saved.
This article will discuss how to prevent future shame issues and how to deal with current difficult memories.
Preventing future shame issues.
"Let my heart be blameless regarding Your statutes, That I may not be ashamed." {Psalm 119:80 NKJV}
Read the Bible every day and do what it says. Pray about problems and seek out wise counsel. This will prevent a multitude of problems from developing—including issues that result in feelings of shame.
And when you slip up, as we all do at times, confess your sin to God and try again to be obedient.
Recognize that creating shame, in your life, is a prime demonic objective. It's like an Olympic athlete winning a gold medal.
Nothing is more damaging than shame.
Overcoming shame.
Some suggestions follow.
First, if you've done something wrong, confess your sin to God. Once you've done this, once, God has forgiven you.
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." {1 John 1:9 NASB}
"He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy." {Proverbs 28:13 NKJV}
Second: Remember, God chose you before the world was created. And he still loves you and still accepts you.
"For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." {Ephesians 1:4-6 NIV}
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." {Romans 8:38-39 NIV}
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." {Psalm 103:11-12 NIV}
". . . for the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came forth from the Father." {John 14:27 NASB}
"I will never leave you nor forsake you." {Hebrews 13:5 NKJV}
"Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you . . ." {Isaiah 43:4 NIV}
". . . He made us accepted in the Beloved." {Ephesians 1:6 NKJV}
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." {Romans 8:1 NASB}
You are defined by who you are in Christ, not by what you have done.
Third, it is necessary to forgive others, from your heart, no matter what they said or they did. This is necessary to prevent Satan from tormenting your emotions. And enable you to break free of feelings of shame caused by the actions of others.
Rely on the power of the Holy Spirit:
- I choose to forgive him (her).
- "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NASB}
More information is included in the article entitled How to Forgive. Another link is provided at the end of the article.
Fourth: You also have a responsibility to forgive yourself and love yourself. No matter what you have said, done or failed to do.
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself." {Matthew 22:39 NASB}
This is a command, not a suggestion.
Fifth: Don't take things personally:
"Also do not take to heart everything people say,
Lest you hear your servant cursing you.
For many times, also, your own heart has known
That even you have cursed others." {Ecclesiastes 7.21-22 NKJV}
Some people you come in contact with will be critical—even vicious.
It will be very difficult or impossible for you to forgive these people unless you disbelieve, from your heart, their global negative assessment of your character or actions.
Your own perspective is a choice. And your own right attitude will enable you to forgive them and break free.
Use affirmations, both daily and when you come under spiritual attacks.
Recommended affirmations:
- "God loves me."
- "I love me."
- "I accept myself."
- "I forgive myself."
- "I don't care what he (she) thinks."
- "He (she) is not God."
- "I don't expect myself to be perfect.
Also, be sure to correct specific negative and self-critical thoughts:
- I am not (fill in blank).
- Or, say the opposite.
Practice using affirmations and always correct negative thoughts.
Sixth: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." {Isaiah 43:18 NIV}
Don't dwell on shame issues—or any other negatives. Avoiding negative thinking is something you can do:
- ". . . whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right . . . think about these things." {Philippians 4:8 NASB}
- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." {Philippians 4:13 NKJV}
Reciting Scripture, preferably out loud, will help.
"For the word of God is living and active . . . (Hebrews 4:12 NASB)."
Examples:
- "Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." {John 14:27 NIV}
- ". . . whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right . . . think about these things." {Philippians 4:8 NASB}
- "Be anxious for nothing . . ." {Philippians 4:6 NASB}
And do what the Scripture says.
More information on avoiding negative thinking is included in the series entitled Stopping Spiritual Attacks. Another link is provided at the end of this article.
Seventh: Seek support, if needed.
"Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed." {James 5:16 NASB}
"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." {Galatians 6:2 NKJV}
Sometimes it is necessary to find someone you can talk to about the issue. This should be someone with a compassionate heart, reasonably good judgement and someone who you are confident will maintain your confidentiality.
This should be considered if you're having trouble breaking free by yourself.
Talking about such issues can be of lasting benefit. The person you talk to should listen to you express your feelings. And not offer a lot of advice unless you ask for it.
An example follows:
A heterosexual drug addict told me that he had been paid to engage in homosexual sex—which he found disgusting. I think it was beneficial for him to confess his sin to me. He knew me and had confidence that I would not be judgemental. And he knew that, as a professional counselor, I would not disclose his secret to others.
Eighth: Talking about shame issues is not always necessary. And this is not always a good idea. Remember the biblical caveat:
"A fool's anger is known at once, But a prudent person conceals dishonor." {Proverbs 12:16 NASB} Or shame.
Put the issue in God's hands: Be willing to discuss the issue with someone, or simply keep it between yourself and God, depending on whatever direction you receive from God.
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths (Proverbs 3:5-8 NKJV).”
If you can break free, without talking about it, you should probably keep it between yourself and God.
There will always be some issues that should always be kept only between yourself and God.
Ninth, you can create shame issues or make things worse by needlessly sharing, or by sharing with the wrong person:
"He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But he who walks wisely will be delivered (Proverbs 28:26 NASB)."
"Trust in Him at all times . . . (Psalm 62:8 NASB)."
Don't give in to fear and do something stupid.
One man confessed to a woman at church that he was experiencing lust for her. He made both himself—and her—feel unnecessarily very uncomfortable.
Tenth: Remember, God chose you for a purpose. You were created to glorify God, do good works and spread the gospel.
You can't succeed in your Christian life if you're at war with yourself.
God doesn't condemn you; don't condemn yourself.
Do what is necessary to break free.
Finally: The following articles are also recommended:
- How to Forgive.
- Dealing With Guilt.
- Dealing With Rejection.
- Stopping Spiritual Attacks.
- Don't Take Things Personally.
- Declarations to Strengthen You.
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